Mental Heath Awareness – you are not alone.

“Mental Illness”

With no idea of the adrenaline that pumps through my heart,
from the sensation of his touch when we are together not apart.
With low self esteem; not comfortable in his own skin. He think’s he does not deserve me but I’m not sure what mirror he is looking in.
Because all I see, is beauty inside and out, but what makes me think I can change 30 years of self doubt.
Still; he completes my life, through the tears and the laughter, I dream when ‘this’ is all over, we’ll live happily ever after.
Because I cannot sleep until I feel safe by his side,
I know he’ll always hold me whether he has fallen asleep as Jekyll or as Hyde.
When the sun rises he’ll sometimes push me away from no fault of his own,
because today he doesn’t know whether he wants to be around me or alone.
Stars will twinkle in my eyes when I see him smile from his soul,
I’ll hear a laughter from deep inside of him and finally I’ll feel like I’ve filled ‘that’ hole.
But the power of the electrical circuit running throughout his brain,
takes over today’s happiness with anxiety and past pain.
He becomes sensitive to the world again and I try to tell him to not self manipulate or self blame, but in these moments he does not trust me anymore, because he thinks I’m playing a game.
I sometimes think should I stay or should I go?
Because I live my life in fear of drowning in the ocean of his emotions, trying to keep my head above the surface before I am pulled deep below.
But the butterflies I feel in my stomach when he pulls me close and kisses my lip,
makes all the bad times worth it and everything just seems to click.
I feel sad for him sometimes because I can see his constrain, but is it a control he was born with or was it all those years of fucking taking cocaine?
He never sees the gratefulness in my smile whilst I watch him sleep,
nor does he know the feeling I get when his children kiss my cheek.
I try to help him believe in the thought of us as a family;
a trustworthy couple, strong as a rock with enough love to free a country.
But just as he reaches out for my hand I begin to see the chronic emptiness in his eyes,
paranoia and panic has taken over his thoughts and his body is being paralysed.
He’s distressed and he’s angry and I am no longer someone he trusts,
he does not idealise me anymore instead he looks at me in disgust.
My heart breaks into a hundred tiny pieces and tears stream down my face,
all I want to do is be strong enough to hold him in a safe embrace.
But can I truly ever save him from the power and ability of his own mind, is the truth that I am too afraid in case of what I might find.
Will there be more unanswerable questions and trauma from the past? Will it all be worth the wait or will I wish I had never asked?
Full of fear that I might fail, I stick around as his daily boxing bag.
Being blackmailed my his illness, wondering when it will wave it’s white flag.
They say love is enough, but this I cannot fix.
Substituting one addiction, for me his daily hit.
You see, love is a drug that causes a lot of complication.
Of course it can make you happy but do not let it become daily medication.

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