Why I used to write so much. And why it suddenly all stopped.

Having your confidence knocked is painful. It’s not the type of pain you feel instantly, it’s not a sudden impact like being hit by a car or knocked off a bike. It almost feels like a gradual process. You wake up one day, look in the mirror and wonder at what check point or crossroad was it that you lost yourself at. Regaining confidence is a slow and patient journey. It’s a process of rehabilitation. Like baking a cake, your ingredients all need to be accounted for, you follow the steps in the right order, you take your time and volar! There’s your cake; it look goods, it smells good and it tastes incredible. The achievement of regaining confidence is the most empowering feeling in the world.

I don’t think we celebrate confidence enough when it does exist. We don’t celebrate it in ourselves and we most definitely don’t celebrate it in each other. Instead confidence is judged. Our courage and certainty is manipulated into arrogance and vanity. I wonder if what lies beneath confidence is the true measure of how we build it up and how we tear it down. Does a confident individual naturally exist based on their humanistic and biological traits? Or does a confident individual develop over time due to behavioural and cognitive experiences.

In my experience over this past year, the same person who built me up in believing in my ability to write was the same one person who tore it straight back down. Criticism can be hard to stomach at the best of times, but it wasn’t the critique in how I wrote but the judgement about what I wrote that made me feel belittled and offended. In the beginning my writing was an escape; it was a place of pure expression and honesty. It was a diary of poetry and theories; thoughts and sentiment. Some were reality, others perception. The mistake I made was the trust and validation I had in only one person. I put them on a pedestal and gave them power over my writing. I gave them a power over me that maybe they didn’t want, but none the less, a power they didn’t deserve. My thoughts belonged to me, they still do and how I put them to paper shouldn’t matter.

I loved this person, with every ounce of blood, bone and soul in my body. They led me to believe that every raw word I wrote, every vulnerable statement I made and every honest story I told made a difference to the world. The reality now is; I should have been telling myself those things all along. When someone so close to you hurts you, they hurt you hard. When someone so close to you knows every weakness, worry and traumatic trigger they will tear you down quicker than any falling Jenga tower. The negative comments got straight inside my head and I couldn’t put pen to paper anymore. I couldn’t post anything I thought. I felt as though I had lost my self-worth. I lost all confidence in knowing that what I wrote made a difference. I wondered if my words were ever read. Did they resonate with anyone?

The epiphany tonight is that I haven’t been seeking confidence all this time but seeking self-esteem. And that is something you are not going to find in anyone else but yourself. Naturally as humans we want to approach everything we do with the certainty of success and achievement. We want to feel rid of any anxieties or hesitations. We can all fake it till we make it, but what are the real hidden qualities of true confidence and how do we trust and build our own self esteem.

These are the things I began to tell myself and here I am; fingertips to keyboard, 1am, tapping away. Confidence restored. Self-esteem high. Self-love achieved.

  • All I can do is my best. All I can be is myself. What will be, will be. Que sera sera.
  • I know myself and I know my limits. Others perception on me will always say more about them than it does myself. I believe I can always improve and be a better person, but that’s up to me to decide.
  • Positive visualisation and spiritual manifestation. (You believe in politics, I believe in fairies. Who cares.)
  • I can’t be the best at everything, I can’t be perfect and I can’t be strong all the time. And that’s okay.
  • Not everyone will like me and I won’t like everyone.
  • Dam girl, look at that body.
  • Don’t sit in doubt or fear. I am safe, I am in control and I have the ability to conquer.
  • I am worth my weight in gold.

My message to you this evening is;

Do something today that you love! Go out and seek lost parts of yourself! Remind yourself of your power! Be empowered! Leave your house today wearing nothing but confidence.

This feeling is why I write. And this feeling is why I’ll never stop again.


Mental Heath Awareness – you are not alone.

“Mental Illness”

With no idea of the adrenaline that pumps through my heart,
from the sensation of his touch when we are together not apart.
With low self esteem; not comfortable in his own skin. He think’s he does not deserve me but I’m not sure what mirror he is looking in.
Because all I see, is beauty inside and out, but what makes me think I can change 30 years of self doubt.
Still; he completes my life, through the tears and the laughter, I dream when ‘this’ is all over, we’ll live happily ever after.
Because I cannot sleep until I feel safe by his side,
I know he’ll always hold me whether he has fallen asleep as Jekyll or as Hyde.
When the sun rises he’ll sometimes push me away from no fault of his own,
because today he doesn’t know whether he wants to be around me or alone.
Stars will twinkle in my eyes when I see him smile from his soul,
I’ll hear a laughter from deep inside of him and finally I’ll feel like I’ve filled ‘that’ hole.
But the power of the electrical circuit running throughout his brain,
takes over today’s happiness with anxiety and past pain.
He becomes sensitive to the world again and I try to tell him to not self manipulate or self blame, but in these moments he does not trust me anymore, because he thinks I’m playing a game.
I sometimes think should I stay or should I go?
Because I live my life in fear of drowning in the ocean of his emotions, trying to keep my head above the surface before I am pulled deep below.
But the butterflies I feel in my stomach when he pulls me close and kisses my lip,
makes all the bad times worth it and everything just seems to click.
I feel sad for him sometimes because I can see his constrain, but is it a control he was born with or was it all those years of fucking taking cocaine?
He never sees the gratefulness in my smile whilst I watch him sleep,
nor does he know the feeling I get when his children kiss my cheek.
I try to help him believe in the thought of us as a family;
a trustworthy couple, strong as a rock with enough love to free a country.
But just as he reaches out for my hand I begin to see the chronic emptiness in his eyes,
paranoia and panic has taken over his thoughts and his body is being paralysed.
He’s distressed and he’s angry and I am no longer someone he trusts,
he does not idealise me anymore instead he looks at me in disgust.
My heart breaks into a hundred tiny pieces and tears stream down my face,
all I want to do is be strong enough to hold him in a safe embrace.
But can I truly ever save him from the power and ability of his own mind, is the truth that I am too afraid in case of what I might find.
Will there be more unanswerable questions and trauma from the past? Will it all be worth the wait or will I wish I had never asked?
Full of fear that I might fail, I stick around as his daily boxing bag.
Being blackmailed my his illness, wondering when it will wave it’s white flag.
They say love is enough, but this I cannot fix.
Substituting one addiction, for me his daily hit.
You see, love is a drug that causes a lot of complication.
Of course it can make you happy but do not let it become daily medication.

Girls with Grit

“Young Girls”

Too thin, too fat, it’s a matter of fact;
that we are pressuring girls to be exactly that.
Having them believe it’s the materials they own,
that define their souls on this earth alone.

Their role models now, half naked, not clothed;
encouraging competition based on the size of their homes.
Young girls, young girls, there is no need to rush.
Stop worrying about applying make up on the school bus.

Why are we not encouraging them to read books and be free;
explore the outdoors, not the pictures on screens.
Why are we not bringing up girls with grit.
Instead we are teaching them to gossip and bitch.

Low self esteem because of image and weight;
taught to judge others, envy and hate.

Must they wax or shave? Rebel or behave? Sexualise themselves for attention and praise?

It’s time to teach them that their worlds online are fake.
To connect with the universe so it can create their fate.
Teach them courage, bravery and of the earths vibrations.
Not to coward away and seek validation.

Dear my 15 year old self, stop worrying about everyone else.
Girls stop worrying about a little bit of mud, turn off the TV and stop chasing love.
Follow your heart, the world is not what it seems;
not if you keep looking at it through your phone screens.

You are not too thin, you are not too fat;
it is indeed just a matter of fact.
That if we keep up this pressure on our next generation,
how will they know how to appreciate natural admiration.

Let them breath in fresh air not fumes;
stop the toxic words of the medias views.
My advice to you girls, go be amongst the lakes and the trees.
They won’t judge you; just like they didn’t judge me. image

Wanderlust – Up North

Ocean like lakes, pine tree forests and a sunset that runs a deeper red than the bottom of my heart.

I never knew these beauties could all exist together in one place, let alone in Northern Michigan. Sure, as a 24 year old London town daydreamer, Australia, Thailand and the South coast of Italy were all on my bucket list but I had never even heard of the Great Lakes let alone wanted to visit them, at least not until an unexpected job opportunity arose back in the summer of 2012.

I was yet to find a place that offered a relaxed lifestyle but endless adventure, nature interspersed with such creativity, scorching hot summer days but cosy breezy nights, yet there I was, about to make the transition into that exact lifestyle without even knowing it. Although Traverse City is a hugely popular vacation hotspot for wealthy affluent Chicago town families during the summer, you are more likely to find yourself immersed in the spectacular scenery alongside the chilled, adventurous and free spirited locals instead.

If you have a pretty laid-back and sociable personality like myself, you’ll know London is way too fast paced and self centred for those kind of people. I never knew paddle boarding during your lunch break was even a thing or that walking through town bare feet could be considered socially acceptable. It didn’t take long for all the new age, bare bricked walled coffee shops to become my favourite hang out. I mean, I had coffee and wifi at home but what I didn’t have was matcha flavoured vegan gelato or like minded groups of people asking if I wanted to play pictionary with them.

The food is fast and cheap but flavoursome and fresh. From Thai to gourmet burgers, restaurants to street food trucks. It’s every young travellers dream. I spent several happily contented solo days in my hammock on the bay of Lake Michigan reading my book and made life-long memories barbecuing on the beach with friends, I experienced both the thrill of tubing on the lake and the peacefulness of whiling away some much needed free time trying to figure out what tattoo I’d get to remember this awesome place.

Being the hot headed, stubborn and overprotective taurus that I am, the calming night skies and soft illuminating moon always brings out the patient, stable and devoted side of me. The element of the earth grounds me and I have never before felt so settled and established like I did on Northern Michigan soil. The unpolluted night sky twinkles almost as brightly as the sun kissed lakes surface during the day. The shooting stars grant you countless wishes and the combination of cool winds and warm campfires settle all of your senses and prepare you for an unruffled sleep. Why book yourself into a 5 star hotel when you can book yourself into a 5 billion star hotel?

Traverse City was just the beginning, the adventures in Northern Michigan were endless. The National Parks and smaller lakes are voted some of the best in the world. And as for their cherries; well, you’ll just have to go and try those out for yourself. It isn’t the Cherry Capital of the world for nothing you know.

Live to Give – The Next Generation

Childhood vs Adulthood. Memories vs Ambitions. Past vs Future. Years spent wishing your youth away in hope of a life of recklessness and freedom. Then years spent wishing for a rewind button in hope you can return to the days of, well…..recklessness and freedom.

I wished so much of my childhood and adolescent years away. I also had many of those years taken away from me. Part of me wanted to grow up, part of me had to. I have so many great memories from my childhood and for those I am truly grateful. However I have many memories of fear, anxiety, anger and resentment towards adults who I felt let me down. I’d describe myself as a confident, happy, outgoing, high achieving perfectionist. And those things I am. But peel away my outer layers and I’m an insecure, angry, introverted, failing eaton mess. Sure, I’m being hard on myself but those things I am too.

Theres nothing worst than feeling lost and unfulfilled. As a child or as an adult. At 24 I have already experienced several identity crisis’. A pan of boiling water will harden the egg yet soften the potato. It’s not the circumstance but the substance, throughout my life I’ve been both. But now I’ve began my path of self discovery. What am I made of? What is my purpose of being?

Be the adult you always needed as a child. Finally I’ve figured it out. Live to give and give to live. It’s that simple. I need to be the role model I always wish I had. I’ve soon come to realise that its not actually the substance but the circumstance. ‘When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.’ Nothing could ever take away the pain I hold onto from my childhood but my soul is healed by being around children, respecting and teaching this Earths future generation. I spend my day teaching up to 100 students, my evenings nannying a family of 5 little girls and my every breathing moment loving my two stepsons. Am I crazy? Yes. Would I change it? No.

As a step mum I am truly not trying to be something I’m not. The love between a mother and her child is unbreakable, it’s a magical bond that I have nothing but admiration and respect for. I can however be a friend, a supporter, a shoulder to cry on, a punch bag to release to, another heart to receive love from and a extra hand to hold. Growing up I always struggled with my step parents. I could never understand or respect why they could love my parents but not us too. As an adult there is no excuse for selfishness over a childs’ needs. We know better. Children are not a belonging, they are not property. They are a nourishing soul, a sponge of knowledge and emotion. I don’t find anything hard about putting a childs’ needs before my own, as parents, as teachers, as role models you put your issues aside and the childrens’ needs first.

Teaching compassion is a job you teach by example, not by preaching words. Boundaries invite respect, vulnerability builds the bridge to connection, truth examples honesty and weakness is the birthplace of courage. We are not here to judge how others do so but to support why they do so. Before teaching, child support work opened my heart to a strength in children and their parents I had never known before. Nothing rewarding comes easy but nothing easy is rewarding.

To me, the most precious jewels you could ever wear around your neck, are the arms of a child. My purpose in life is easy, it’s to love the future of this planet. Its’ Earth and its’ people.

Let them discover who they are before the World tells them who they should be. Every child is just one caring adult away from being a success story.

A girl journeying to the moon.